Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Do you ever wonder why we dream the things we do? Does whatever you were reading about or watching on tv or in a movie affect your dreams at night? Sometimes yeah they when I was really into watching Ghost Hunters on tv a yr or so ago and then dreamed all night long I was hunting ghosts....Or why do people pop into your dreams that you haven't seen or thought about in ages? This week has been the week of huh??? dreams for me...Monday night [well early Tuesday morning actually] I woke up dreaming I was about to be shot...funny thing it was me but I was a guy and some gang dude with one of those skull cap things on had me in a car - I stopped the car in the middle of the road and said wait because I saw one of our store customers about to drive by - then he threw 2 soda cans in the floorboard and asked me did i put the air in the cans-he then pressed the barrel of a gun up to my head right behind my right ear really hard and I woke up...Mom said I was still rubbing my head when I walked past her in the hall...I can still feel that gun on my head....The dreams last night while still odd were not as traumatic...I was getting married in a beautiful chapel...the entire chapel was this beautiful honey colored wood and there were tons of white flowers I was waiting to go in I saw this older lady signing the guest book - Grandma Flo [who is living in Heaven these days] and then I saw her grandson, Tom. [Tom is a dr that I was interested in back in 2002/2003 and haven't seen since then]. I went up to him and he just stared at me and then I called off my wedding for him...then I dreamed I was in a store and a friend from high school, Molly was working in it....maybe I need to lay off the late night sprite!!!!

Monday, March 21, 2011


My mind is all jumbled up with thoughts lately. I am at a place in my life where I feel that I am closer to God than ever before and I know that I am so in His will at the store. I also know that I need a job cuz I need $$$$$. I finally went on an interview last week. The interview went well if not a little fast ~~~ I had gotten there early to make a good impression and was finished 15 minutes before it was even scheduled. I was extremely stressed that morning because they had called me after I got to the store to tell me I had an interview THAT DAY. So between setting it up for Russ to come back, running home to change, not having lunch and nerves I was stressed to the max. To the point that the numbness came back in the pinky finger of my right hand - - imagine having your finger "asleep" for the 5th day now. I don't know if I will get it...I just don't have the peace or excitement about it. When I got my job at Westside, I knew when I left the interview I had it. Same thing with Mileage Plus, trx and the bakery. I knew, I had a peace that only God could give that I had it. I don't have that peace with this. I don't know if I am just being cautiously optimistic and not trying to get my hopes up...but I just don't think this is the job I am going to get. I tried explaining it to mom & dad and I think they got it. Aunt Charlotte didn't, she just said I should think positively. Of course, this is coming from the woman who I have nicknamed the Ostrich because half of the time her head is buried in the sand. I am so tired of the drama. I love her honest I do and at one time she was my fave relative. Then I grew know they say go back to the house you lived in as a child that was so huge when you are an adult and see how small it really was. The same applies to relationships...when you grow up you can see people as they really are. I really feel sorry for her because she is so naive about some things and so bitter about others. She hates Grandaddy for what he was when she was growing for being abusive yet doesn't condemn William for signing a paper saying he would not be around Will unsupervised because he has been suspected of abusing him. She says God told her he is innocent and didn't do ? then is why did he just sign the papers - why hasn't he or his family tried to fight them. She is the original drama queen. She calls mom one day going on and on about Kathy and Christina and all their problems and how she isn't going to give them another penny, but the next day she off bailing them out again and again and again. She condemned Granny for years for the financial support she gave to other family members and yet she is doing the exact same thing. So back to the peace thing. Several of my family have repeatedly told me to forget Russ and go get a paying job. To them I say you need to go read:
1 Peter 4:8-10 (New International Version, ©2011)

8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

In reading this this morning, God gave me yet another confirmation that I am in the place where He has placed me and that I am meeting the need in Russ' life with the gifts He has given to me. I would rather be sitting here on this stool in this bookstore indefinitely with no job or no pay and be doing what I know in the deepest regions of my soul that God wants me to do than be employed at a fortune 500 company and out of his will.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

My Bucket List

Last week I finally sat down & watched "The Bucket List". I had only owned the dvd for 2 years and never watched it. It really got me to thinking about the things I would like to do before going home to Heaven. So I decided to sit down and write my list....So here it goes.....
1. Experience pregnancy and childbirth
2. Go out on a date ~ a real date where he picks me up with flowers and we dress nice and go to a nice dinner in a nice restaurant ~hey it's been over 2 years so it goes on the list.
3. Travel ~~
*Travel outside of the contiguous 48 to Alaska or visit pineapple fields in Hawaii
*Take a road trip eating in the different places featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives
*Go up the eastern seaboard of the US - visiting lighthouses and staying in an inn in Vermont
4. Sing for Bill and Gloria Gaither
5. Own a Baby Grand Piano
6. Slowdance in the candlelight
7. Sing the National Anthem at a sports event
8. Go back to South Dakota and truly appreciate what I am singing

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dangerous Surrender

I have recently started reading Kay Warren's book Dangerous Surrender and already know that God intended for me to read this book...because Satan is showing me a million other things to read or do instead and I've only read to part of chapter 2. How often do we actually surrender everything we have and are to God's will and abandon ourselves for His purpose. The humanity in us wants to hold on to everything - every plan or dream - we have for our lives and not let go. Like a little child holding onto a beloved blanket or many times we say "O.K. God, I surrender to you but oh this dream of mine if you want it you will have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers". I was like that. So many times I would pray for God to show me his will or to send me his will for my life but I never really wanted to let go of my dream of a perfect life of serving Him in the perfect church setting just singing my songs and playing the piano and worshipping alongside the perfect man with the perfect little family then going home to our perfect house and living our perfect story tale lives. There is one big problem with that - most times our vision of perfect and what God desires for us are light years apart. First, I never expected to be 37 and single and childless and certainly I never expected to be able to write that statement and be ok with it. I think I have grown more spiritually in the past 2 years than in all the other 35 combined. I have often thought that my divorce would be the catalyst for God's ministry for me. I have such a desire to help others hurting and to help others from making the same mistakes I've made. Lately, I am feeling a leading to help others hurting in a specialized way. I see a possible ministry opening up for me that God has been working out in my life for 2 yrs. I moved to a place I never wanted to move to, I met 2 friends whose lives have been forever altered by sexual crimes, I dealt with my own problem with reading online erotica - yes pornographic stories, women fall victim to it too!!!. God even gave me a name for a ministry a year ago With a Limp. I don't know what He is doing or where He is leading but I know that He will give me the tools. I have never before even considered working with the families and children of those in jail but more and more it is on my heart.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Ahhh Contentment ~ my journey as Scarlet O'Hara

I love the feeling that for one of the few times in my life I know that I am where God wants me to be and doing what He wants me to be doing..While I grew up in a pastor's home and have been in church my entire life and even went to a Christian college, I feel closer to God at this point in my life than any other that I can remember. There is something to be said about God putting us in our lowest place to bring us closer to him. I have been reflecting a lot the past few days on the last 2 years. I have spent a lot of those 2 years complaining and questioning God as to why my life ended up in the place I found myself. At times it was just so hard to grasp how I came to be in my late 30's, single, living with my parents with no job, no friends - -nothing but a bedroom. I just couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, fathom how it would end or even grasp the concept that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. When I 1st lost my job and we moved, I was excited because I thought I would end up spending a lot of time with my cousin, Kathy. But then I found out just the opposite was true. I started going to FBC Bushnell on Sundays. On my 1st Sunday there I noticed this youth guy who I figured was single. He was cute but I of course never approached him. I went to church once in a while but not on a regular basis. I spent a lot of time on the internet playing games or on online dating sites...I did meet a couple of guys - one reconciled with an exfiancee and they are now married, the other one and I are just friends but God did use me to help him during his time of divorce. I participated in all the free eharmony weekends...In October 2009 on one of these weekends I was matched up with a guy from Bushnell who is my age and a youth minister, let's just call him Rhett Butler...I thought that he may have been the student minister at FBC Bushnell but wasn't sure....Anyhoo, I got off internet dating after the free weekend and never heard from him (little did I know he didn't even read his matches) The Sunday before Thanksgiving we went to Pleasant Hill Baptist Church and ended up joining a couple of weeks later. The pastor is single and young and I became attracted, we'll call him Ashley Wilkes. He kept talking about his friend at the Christian Bookstore in town that I had never met and so finally just to shut him up I went in. I was very pleasantly surprised to see the guy from 1st Baptist...We chatted for a while after I told him what church I went to and then I asked him was he on eharmony and lo and behold it had been him I was matched up with. We became friends on facebook and I would go into the store whenever just to chat or to get cds. I always felt bad that I was taking up his time or keeping him from his work and while I was very attracted to him, I had this stupid crush thing on the pastor, and Rhett knew it. So, for months I convinced myself that Ashley was wonderful and possibly THE one....I laughed at all his jokes and I just thought he was it! Then I woke up and realized that no he wasn't. I think my heart realized it a lonnnggg time before my head did. My main problem with him is he always says such mean spirited, almost evil things about Rhett behind his back and I never knew if that was because he was trying to be funny or he really was interested in me and he didn't want me and Rhett to get together or he was selfishly trying to keep me at the church. [Rhett went to a different one] So, it finally got to the point where I had had it and I stopped laughing at his stupidity and he has started noticing. Anyhoo, Rhett got in a place where he needed some help and me being without a job volunteered. That was 3 wks ago and I realized this past week how God has been orchestrating things. In his infinite awesomeness God knew 2 yrs ago that Rhett would be needing me now. And all the twists and turns have brought me to this place. All the ?'s about why haven't I found a job yet are answered with because God knew that he would need me. It is so heart warming being in the store with him.. It is so peaceful and whether we are talking or helping customers or just sitting here waiting on someone to come by or working on returns or an order I know that this is the place where God would have me serve him at this point in my life and there is no other place I would rather be. Would I like our partnership to have a more permanent basis - -yes but I am waiting on God for that. He brought me this far I know he will continue the journey...a journey that may have to take different paths than I ever thought and may lead Rhett & I to places of service we never thought we would be but if those places bring the same sense of contentment and peace that I have about serving God thru helping in the store then I welcome them.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Serving under Fire!

Why do you serve the Lord? Why do you get up every Sunday morning when millions of others are still in bed and do what you do? For me it is breath and it is life to be in service to the Lord. I was raised knowing the importance of service in my local church. The importance of offering all that I am & all that I have at my disposal to God in regular service for the sake of worship and for the furtherance of his kingdom. But lately through nothing that I can see that I have done my service has come under attack and I feel that I must walk on eggshells at church. I am not allowed the opportunity to go to church to worship and to be renewed. How can I do what God has called me and equipped me to do when I am in constant fear of being admonished? I am at a cross roads in ministry and at a point where I am conflicted by what to do. Do I resign and find another church or do I stick it out for the sake of the choir yet not be fed or worship myself? I am at the point to where I hate for the pastor to say he has to talk to me or to email me or to call me because I know that I am going to be reprimanded for something. I have been told where I can and can't sit during services because I am distracting when I get up for the invitation. This is so stupid because I am sitting where countless other worship leaders I have know in my life have sat in their respective churches. I have asked several times for a key but have been told he doesn't trust me with a key or that he wants me to have to depend on him for a key yet Russ leaves me alone at his store with $$$ in the register to run it and completely trusts me. I have had church keys for years at churches I was just a member of much bigger than this one. I even had a key to a church in Alabama that I just worked part-time in the daycare at. Yet the church I am a member of, worship leader of, and serve at won't let me have one. The last music person had one and oh wait he was also paid. I don't mind not being paid because I am of the conviction that if I am in a position in my home church I shouldn't expect to be paid to serve. However, I should receive the respect that someone in the position who is paid gets. I mean I do all the work the former music people did so it would be nice to be respected. I get reprimanded for standing up for myself when people complain about the music and the pianist yet when others attack me for the same thing my own pastor sits there and doesn't stand up for me and those on my committee the music committee stand there and throw me under the bus. I am tired of leaving church in tears. I am tired of trying to make our worship experience meaningful and exciting and wonderful for everyone only to have it constantly backfire on me. I never wanted this job to begin with. All I have ever wanted to do is play the piano at church and sing a solo now and then. Yet I was raised to know that if there is a ministry need at church and I have the talents, skills, education, whatever to meet that need then I should and that is what I have been trying to do. The sad thing is Philip has no clue what a mess things are in and how unkosher things are at the church. The church has no idea what they are doing as far as setting themselves up for a mess. They are content because they are not asked to do much and know that if they don't do things they'll get done anyway because the pastor and his parents will do them. This is such a bad situation for all parties because #1 the church members are not learning how to serve and do the various things in the church so if they ever need to they will not have the ability to do so. Secondly, he will not be the pastor here forever and he is creating a huge mess for the next pastor(s) to have to deal with. Third, there are many just problematic situations taking place...a)the pastor and one or both of his parents are on EVERY committee of the church, they do all the purchasing for the church, he handles the bulletins each week, b) the church treasurer does not attend church on Sunday mornings because they work at a flea market and then she leaves for several months in the summer to go back up north & on Wednesday nights she stays in the office and works on the treasurer stuff so she is only in 1 service a week, c) a lot of people are joining the church but never walk the aisle to do so...he just talks to them and then at the end of the service he mentions them but then there is no follow up or discipleship of them. I have seen situations like this before in 2 other churches - @ Eastside Baptist where the pastor and his father-in-law could sign a check together and @ Gibsonia where there was a lot of questionable activity going on with the pastor and it breaks my heart to see it again. The church members are great and I love them but I fear the church is going to die with out changes. We are not reaching younger people and I wonder if they really want to. Lord, show me what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

World Changers 2010 ~ unhindered~Saturday, 7/24/10, Heading home

I got up super early on Saturday because I wanted to make sure I washed my hair before heading back home. We deflated our beds and waited for the guys so we could go. We got on the road around 6:30 central time and headed home. We stopped for gas and Dennis started driving so Philip could sleep. Since Dennis and I didn't talk much I spent most of the 4 hrs he drove in prayer. I did see a coyote in the median in Alabama. Philip & Clifford woke up about the time we were driving thru Atlanta. We stopped around 11 for lunch at a Burger King and Philip took over driving. A short time later we stopped for a potty break. Philip had to actually buy a pack of toilet paper since there was none in the men's room and the guy said they were out. I bought ice cream treats for me and the kids. While waiting for Philip we saw a huge praying mantis on the wall. We got back on the road and headed home. Saturday's ride was very enjoyable for me since Philip and spent the day talking and laughing at Clifford. We stopped at the welcome center at the FL State line for orange juice much to Dennis' irritation. It started raining on us about time we were coming thru Ocala. They dropped me off first. I was so happy to get a real shower!!!!