Saturday, May 15, 2010
I got to sense God in an awesome way at the shuttle launch yesterday...Just the thought that He indwelled in someone the knowledge to a)build a shuttle and b)be able to carry human life to outer space is humbling. We were so blessed with a truly great day. First, Austin & Abby were with us - they had a "family emergency" and couldn't go to school. They were really great. Austin is so willing to serve others and to help out - anything we asked him to do he jumped to it. He is teetering on the brink of boyhood and manhood and is so funny. He forgot his sunglasses and was very appreciative of the ones I got him. Abby is still young enough to have seen it thru a little kid's eyes. We were blessed with being able to find a spot to watch it that was unobstructed. We left here at 6 am and got there at 9 - would've been earlier but we stopped at Subway for lunch, Mickey D's for breakfast, and then I got my shirt filthy somehow so I had to go to Wal-Mart for a new tank top, Austin some glasses, Mom a book and Abby a hat. We got to the park and the gate was closed, but I was able to do a uturn and found a spot next to the park fence on the side of the road. Then we got a great spot to set up the chairs and chillax for the next 5 hours. At first the park guy said "No Dogs Allowed" (all of you that watched Snoopy are now doing the voice in your head - I know you are because I am), but when he found out how far we had driven, that cricket is like a therapy dog for mom and that I had been on the city of titusville website to check if she could come and they didn't have anything on it about no pets and that I had poopy bags ~~ he let her stay and she was an angel....didn't bark at anyone, didn't bother anyone just laid under my chair or in mine or mom's arms all day!! There was noone around cussing, noone making out, we only saw a few people drinking but noone got obnoxious, there were no fights. It was just one big party celebrating the same thing. At the end, noone pushed or shoved or got rude trying to leave. We talked with several people around us and one guy even took Cricket's picture!!! One family was from Ohio and their daughter who looked to be 12 or 13 was their to do a science project. She had a Lego space shuttle and had to make it move without physically moving it - so she (& her mom) hung it up between 2 palm trees with fishing line and secured it to the ground with some sticks...when the shuttle went up she took pics of hers with the smoke from the real shuttle to make it look like it was moving...this is where I almost got to reinforce my lesson of the day with the kids about paying it forward - Earlier in the day a man came by offering a bag of ice to anyone who wanted it for free..we took it and I told the kids that now we had to pay if forward...when the girl with the project was setting up and waiting she noticed her batteries were dying and they didn't know if they brought extras..I offered to let her use my extra set if needed during the launch...but she didn't need them...
Sunday, May 9, 2010
This was a harder than usual mother's day for me. I mean I am usually bummed a little because yet another year has gone by and still not a mommy, but today was really hard. So hard that I cried twice - yeah, twice- during the sermon. It is so hard sometimes because I know I would be a great mommy - the kind of mommy who makes holidays special and loves to sit in the floor and play legos or Barbies, the kind of mommy who takes 100's upon 100's of pics of my kids and floods fb with them, the kind of mommy who would bake cookies or make green mashed potatoes or goop or edible play dough, the kind of mommy who would love to do nothing more than sit and cuddle a sick child or curl up with books on the couch on a rainy afternoon. The kind of mommy who takes her babies to church from day one and sings Jesus Loves Me and Veggie Tale songs for hours on end and lets her babies know they are the most special people in her world and that Jesus loves them and that I love them and no matter what they will always have a home and love and care and a shoulder to cry on and a cheeleader and a biggest fan and a mom. So I don't understand why God has't answered my prayer to be a mom. I don't get why these people can have kids out there and neglect them and abandon them and just not care and throw away the one thing I have wanted my entire life. I don't want to be famous or have this huge successful career or have my name in lights or be a ceo or anything other than to be someone's wife and someone's mom. That truly is the greatest title you could ever have to be so and so's mom. So today I sat there during the sermon and wrote a little prayer and put it in my Bible in 1 Samuel that said "Lord, Please make me into a Mommy!" and then I read and meditated on Hannah's prayer in the temple - you know the one she was praying when Eli saw her lips moving and thought she was drunk...this prayer "LORD of Hosts, if You will take notice of Your servant's affliction, remember and not forget me, and give Your servant a son, I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life,..." And tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face and I realized that for the 1st time I truly felt Hannah's despair and desperate longing to have a child - for to want a child so badly and not have one year after year after year is a powerful ache or affliction. The 2nd time was when the pastor talked about what a noble calling it was to just want to be a wife and mom and that was just as noble as someone being in the military or on the mission field and again the tears came because that is my life's calling to be someone's wife and mom. Imagine if you were a doctor, you had always wanted to be a doctor from your earliest memories, had studied for it and prepared for it and knew you could be a great doctor - but it just never seemed to happen for you, noone would come to be treated, you were never called to perform procedures and you watched others do what you were called to do...that's me - -my greatest desire and calling is to be a wife and mom, yet I'm not and I don't know why. So my prayer is that just as he did with Hannah the Lord will look upon me His Servant and see the affliction of my heart and answer my prayer to be a wife and mom.
Friday, May 7, 2010
There are 2 holidays that are just plain sucky for me - Valentine's Day and Mother's Day. Single people just do not need several months of reminders that they are single and lonely and we already live every day watching all the couples out there and realizing that this is really a couple oriented world. Mother's Day is perhaps even worse....:( especially to someone whose entire life's dream has been to be a mommy. The funny thing is the one place where you should be able to go for solace doesn't even help on Mother's Day...Granted alot of the churches are now just giving something to all women and one Mother's Day at FBC Graceville they recognized the women who weren't moms but worked with the children in some form which was so super cool to me. I do feel like all the kids I've loved thru the years are my kiddos. All the kids from Sunday School or Preschool Choir or the ones I babysat on a regular basis are so special to me and I rejoice everytime I see them accomplish a goal. This month I am so happy for 3 of my "kids"..2 boys I grew to love in South Dakota are graduating from high school and on the same and then one of my girls from Alabama has grown into a beautiful young woman and will be a beautiful bride on the 15th. I think alot of times we focus on motherhood as being giving birth to a child or raising a child but we forget those little moments spent with a child is mothering them as well. To all my kids wherever you are, I am very proud of all of you and carry you in my heart every day.