My Prayer

This was a harder than usual mother's day for me. I mean I am usually bummed a little because yet another year has gone by and still not a mommy, but today was really hard. So hard that I cried twice - yeah, twice- during the sermon. It is so hard sometimes because I know I would be a great mommy - the kind of mommy who makes holidays special and loves to sit in the floor and play legos or Barbies, the kind of mommy who takes 100's upon 100's of pics of my kids and floods fb with them, the kind of mommy who would bake cookies or make green mashed potatoes or goop or edible play dough, the kind of mommy who would love to do nothing more than sit and cuddle a sick child or curl up with books on the couch on a rainy afternoon. The kind of mommy who takes her babies to church from day one and sings Jesus Loves Me and Veggie Tale songs for hours on end and lets her babies know they are the most special people in her world and that Jesus loves them and that I love them and no matter what they will always have a home and love and care and a shoulder to cry on and a cheeleader and a biggest fan and a mom. So I don't understand why God has't answered my prayer to be a mom. I don't get why these people can have kids out there and neglect them and abandon them and just not care and throw away the one thing I have wanted my entire life. I don't want to be famous or have this huge successful career or have my name in lights or be a ceo or anything other than to be someone's wife and someone's mom. That truly is the greatest title you could ever have to be so and so's mom. So today I sat there during the sermon and wrote a little prayer and put it in my Bible in 1 Samuel that said "Lord, Please make me into a Mommy!" and then I read and meditated on Hannah's prayer in the temple - you know the one she was praying when Eli saw her lips moving and thought she was drunk...this prayer "LORD of Hosts, if You will take notice of Your servant's affliction, remember and not forget me, and give Your servant a son, I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life,..." And tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face and I realized that for the 1st time I truly felt Hannah's despair and desperate longing to have a child - for to want a child so badly and not have one year after year after year is a powerful ache or affliction. The 2nd time was when the pastor talked about what a noble calling it was to just want to be a wife and mom and that was just as noble as someone being in the military or on the mission field and again the tears came because that is my life's calling to be someone's wife and mom. Imagine if you were a doctor, you had always wanted to be a doctor from your earliest memories, had studied for it and prepared for it and knew you could be a great doctor - but it just never seemed to happen for you, noone would come to be treated, you were never called to perform procedures and you watched others do what you were called to do...that's me - -my greatest desire and calling is to be a wife and mom, yet I'm not and I don't know why. So my prayer is that just as he did with Hannah the Lord will look upon me His Servant and see the affliction of my heart and answer my prayer to be a wife and mom.